Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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