Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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