he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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