the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
