sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
