you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
