If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
