I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
