It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
