well I can't set my house on fire every night
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
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GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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