So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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