I wish my penis had an off switch
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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