I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?