It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
