ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
