I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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