I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
