Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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