The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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