Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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