Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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