the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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