ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
