Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
