if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
