So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
