I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
