everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
