I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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