I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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