I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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