um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I need a beard to bite.
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