I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I love you. Go after that dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
