I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
