I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
