Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
