My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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