she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
