I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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