Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
