You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
