can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
