I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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