theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
