singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The uberlube is also flammable
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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