Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
