eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
