Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
