Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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