My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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