I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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