I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
