I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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