I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
