How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
