She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
