your parents love me but you hate me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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