That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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