i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
