Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
