Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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